Rants and Musings
by zoocan
Summary: The rants and musings of random characters of The Sisters Grimm series.
1. Moth

I'll never for the life of me figure out why Puck chose the inferior human over _me._

I mean, come on! I'm pretty, smart, pretty, evil, pretty, and I have good taste in music! Did I mention I'm pretty?

First up: I'm prettier than her. Hello? She's this thing of a person that doesn't use makeup and that somehow makes Puck go gaga. Where's the reasoning in that? _I_, on the other hand, pluck my eyebrows every two days, brush my hair at least two hundred times each morning, and use lipstick and blush with the perfect touch of eyeliner.

I'm smarter than her, of course. Everyone knows that blondes are dumb. Why do you think there are so many dumb blonde jokes? That's why I dyed my hair brown.

Everyone knows that evil people are cuter. We laugh cuter, we dress cuter, and we even look cuter. Why can't Puck see that? Because of my homicidal tendencies? Yeah, right.

That human girl, oh what's-her-face, probably listens to crappy music, like Glee or Lady Antebellum or Coldplay or something. _I_, on the other hand, have a more refined taste, and I listen to The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, and Justin Bieber.

Another thing: cross-breeding is dangerous. Who knows what their baby will look like? It'll probably have half a wing, which will look stupid.

Why can't Puck see I'm so much better than that lowly human?


	2. Puck

Moth is stalking me again.

Last night, I was at the mall with some friends and I saw her peering at me from behind the potted plant in Starbucks. What is up with that girl? First she tries to murder Sabrina, and now she's watching my every move. I swear, if she tries to install a video camera in the shower I'm going to get a restraining order on her. Well, I guess I won't care since I don't take baths, but still.

I wonder if she knows that she's now stuck in Ferryport Landing.

Well, I'm not telling her. She might rip my face off. With her fingernails.

Should I tell Sabrina? She might freak out. Moth is crazier than Red before she was cured. Might tell the old lady though. I think she needs to know.

Who else should I tell? Well, I'm not telling Marshmallow. She'll just have nightmares all night. Mr. Canis? I really don't see any point in telling him...

Maybe I should tell Elvis. "Hey, Elvis, come over here. Moth is stalking me. Again." He just barked and ran off. Hm.

Yes, this is the second time she's stalking me. I'm over 4,000 years old, remember? I've had quite a life before I got stuck here. Again.

_Flashback:_

"_Moth, what are you hiding behind that column for? I can totally see you."_

"_You're supposed to, Puck. (Giggles.) I'm stalking you."_

"_Uh...okay...see you later."_

Oh, and I was _this_ close to being the king of fairy, but I decided to come back here again. Sabrina better appreciate it.

Oh, there's Granny Relda. I better go tell her.


	3. Daphne

I get tired of getting treated as a little child, you know? I think it's safe to say that I've been through enough to be trusted with a jar of cookies. Yet yesterday, Granny let Puck hold them instead! I was just standing there while she cleaned out one of the cupboards, and when she got to a jar of cookies that she had to put somewhere, she just ignored me and gave them to Puck! It wasn't like I was going to _eat _them or anything.

Okay, maybe I was. But still.

Put a little more faith in me, will ya'?

I was as likely to eat those cookies as I was to feed Elvis some sausages. He's a wonderful dog, but his digestive system can't handle sausages for some reason.

As I walked down the hallway feeling young, Sabrina came down the other way.

"What's wrong, Daphne?" she says. Ha! As if she would understand that even though I went through the same things as her, people still expect me to be "completely innocent" and all.

Which is why I snap, "Perchance I'd be obliged to assemble badinage with you erstwhile, but as of the juncture I sustain circumstances abroad to attend to."

(This means, of course, "Maybe I will talk to you later, but right now I have problems elsewhere.")

Big words don't solve the problem, but they help.


	4. Sabrina

**Thanks, becca and elligoat!**

* * *

I think I have too many near-death experiences.

Let's see...I almost got crushed by a giant, almost got eaten by spider-boy **(Toby)**, almost blown up by Rumplestiltskin, almost killed by Jabberwocky, almost killed by Jabberwocky, almost killed by Jabberwocky, **(once in the end of book 2/beginning of book 3, once in the diner where Puck got his wings ripped off, once in the end before Jake stabs him with the vorpal blade)** almost killed by the Little Mermaid's guards, almost got roasted to a crisp by Titania, almost killed by those Yahoo ape-people in the subway station **(Yahoos are from **_**Gulliver's Travels**_**)**, almost stabbed by pirates, almost killed by Moth, almost killed by the Giant Nutcracker of Death, almost killed by Wicked Witch of the West **(Oz's mechanical one)**, almost fell to my death after Oz pushed me off the hot air balloon, **(that's 13 already and it's only the fourth book)**, almost killed by a future Mr. Canis, almost roasted by a dragon, almost roasted by a different dragon, almost shot, almost sucked into a time tear, almost taken over by a rabid wolf spirit, almost died from falling off Charming's fort, almost cut to ribbons in mirror, almost eaten by revisers numerous times, and almost got killed by the Master.

Did I miss any?

Speaking of Moth killing me, I think I'm finally going crazy. I thought I saw her the other day at the mall. I was checking out the new album for Glee when Moth-or a doppelgänger of Moth- came up to me and was all like "My Jushtin Bebber ish sho much bettah than your Glee."

What. In. The. World?

First of all, Glee is _way_ better than Justin Bieber.

Secondly, I thought she was in jail. In _Faerie_. I mean, if she's really loose...

Does she know about the barrier? None of else ever told her.

Well, I'm not going to tell her. She might rip my face off. With her fingernails.


	5. Henry

Why am I always the bad guy?

Every time I try to make someone happy _everyone _gets mad at me! What is up with that?

Take yesterday, for example. Puck and Sabrina were screaming at each other for the umpteenth time, so I decided to intervene.

"...idiotic, selfish, b-" Puck was screaming at Sabrina.

"_Puck!_" I interrupted in my best you-better-listen-to-me voice. "Stop putting Sabrina down!"

"Dad!" Sabrina said. "I can fight my own battles! And he's not even talking about me!"

"Like it or not, you are still children, and I get to say what goes on between you two!" I yelled back.

"Excuse me, but I happen to be over 4,000 years old," said Puck.

"You're over 4,000 years old and you're dating my teenage daughter? You pedophile!"

After that everything just sorta went downhill. Veronica yelled at me for saying "pedophile" in front of the kids, Puck was indignant, and Sabrina was mad about the dating comment.

I was just trying to help. How was I supposed to know they were talking about someone named an insect? Beetle or Moth or something.

And for the record, Puck _is _a pedo.


End file.
